Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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