So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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