I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
