how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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