I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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