I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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