Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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