Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
