Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
