My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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