hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A+ Viking dick
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize