hotel room ftw
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
