i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
