After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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