Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
