I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
