Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
