I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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