My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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