Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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