Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
