I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
