I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
