You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
