Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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