Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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