Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
