11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
