I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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