the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
