I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
