Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
