you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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