Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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