the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
