Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
