i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
