I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
