Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
