my phone needs a breathalizer
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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