I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
