Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
