I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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