zippers are such a cool invention
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You don't make any sense
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