omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
