Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
