did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
