so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
They took my balls.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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