Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize