Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I fill condoms, not promises.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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