she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So many bounce houses so little time
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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