I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize