He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
