I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
