There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
