Whatcha textin bout Willis?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
