I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
