matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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