took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
