My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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