I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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