I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
