shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
