i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
